Entry 6: Three Oms! A return to yoga!
So, I’ve been meaning to go back to yoga for ages but, as we know, making time for ourselves is usually bottom of the priority list. If you are busy working, caring for an elderly parent and worrying about everything in the world then it is unlikely that you will be saying ‘Om’ anytime soon.
Unless you embark on a sugar free diet – in which case you will urgently need something to counteract the rage and despair. Oh yes, the sugar withdrawal symptoms have been so terrible that I would have happily agreed to an induced coma; just until the worst had passed. Sadly, medical ethics have not yet reached that point so it was easier just to drag myself back to yoga.
I am no stranger to this mode of exercise and I have dabbled with it many times over the years. Strangely though, I find that yoga only works for me when my state of mind is already at peace. If my head is in ‘tumble dryer’ mode, yoga makes me cry – not because of a failed ‘salute to the sun’ but because my mind cannot deal with being ‘quietened’. It makes sense when you think about it because a quiet mind must surely be a target for anxiety demons; it is a beautiful empty space into which the horrors can pour.
I have spent many Shavanasa sessions in tears, which is a shame because it all starts so well. The golden ball of light; inhaling the white energy and exhaling the black. There is the deep sense of self and that shroud of calm when the yoga teacher whispers for us to ‘let things go’.
And then it starts to slide. The golden ball begins to fade and I get my breathing all wrong. I inhale the black energy and exhale the white. I stop ‘letting things go’ and, instead, I torture myself with bleak thoughts about;
- the time I pushed in front of an old lady in the Supermarket because I was in a hurry AND in a bad mood (horrible person!)
- The time I attended a friend’s wedding and had my photo taken with someone’s husband – him biting one end of a very short cocktail sausage and me biting the other end. The resulting photo was met with stony silence (cheap flirt!).
- The time I didn’t check on my Dad properly and he lay helpless on the floor until 3am (useless daughter!).
So, despite the risk of revisiting these shameful events, I returned to yoga this week. And it was fine! Was it my new anti-depressants that kept the demons at bay? Or was it the steely resolve that has set in while I do battle with the sugar cravings? Either way, I got the best from the session. I was too unfit to get my forehead on the floor in ‘child’s pose’ but I felt surprisingly upbeat and, dare I say it – CALM!!
This emerging sense of ‘Zenity’ has been assisted by new developments in the sugar free diet. You may recall that I was struggling to produce anything healthy or tasty but all of that has changed. My new ‘Nutribullet’ has saved the day. While Hubby has continued to turn out dahls, pates and crudites, I have been turning out smoothies like there’s no tomorrow. Every conceivable vegetable has been turned to mush and consumed with great gusto. I have taken on a superior edge, smug in the knowledge that the national ‘5 a day’ target for fruit and veg consumption, has been smashed. I can picture the cells of my body enjoying the equivalent of a spa day. Each part of me relishing the glut of vitamins and minerals.
Admittedly, the excess beetroot gave me a shock when I first visited the lavatory but my screams about ‘blood in the stool’ soon give way to giggles when I realised where the colouring had come from. Hubby also took fright when I absentmindedly blended a whole onion into his smoothie mix but, by and large, we are starting to feel the benefits.
I am proud to relay my progress to the Doctor when I attend my one month review. I hope she is impressed when she sees that I am not relying on the pills for my emotional well being; that I am embarking on other physical and mind based developments. I tell her that my anxiety has definitely lost it’s edge and that the main thing I am struggling with is the remorse at taking thirty years to deal with it.
I skip out of the surgery with my repeat prescription. I have another appointment in four weeks time but I feel like I might be cured by then. From what I can gather so far, treating Anxiety is a breeze!
Or is it?
Next Week – Return of the Demons